18 sx

Last Saturday, I went back to Gombak to fetch some official documents and to sit in a government servant preliminary test. I was rather half hearted about the whole test, since i was not looking forward to the prospect of becoming a government servant. The life of a government servant seems to bleak and uneventfull to me. Not taking account positions such as the diplomat and government secret service assasins of course. Positions like those, allows us to travel, see exotic places and make life and death decisions. Hey.. wait a minute... my test was for the position of govenrment diplomat. Dayme. All this while i was imagining myself stuck behind a retro 70s style desk in the heart of Putrajaya (Malaysia's very own Washington state).

The test was very hard. It was hard, not because of the individual question's complexity, it was hard because of the time limit for each test. There were a total of five test sections, and i lasted untill the second. I gave up right after going through the math section of the test. Imagine fourty modern math questions to be answered in 45 minutes. I'm a slow thinker, thus i can't cope with that time limit. I could only manage to answer twenty when the time runs out.

I guess the real reason for me to sit in the exam was so that i could re-live my high school days. The tests was held in my old high school hall. Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan Gombak Setia. Taking the test did not make me feel any nostalgia or familiarity, but sitting around waiting for the test did spark some unwanted feeling. I felt old. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!

No not really. I felt that our generation is old. You and me and the rest of us. Looking at the young school goers reminds me of the the days when we have to slave over homework. Be bullied by the popular kids. Feel insecure about the tiniest of things. And look up at the grown-ups and feel envy for their freedom.

Looking at the guys and girls sitting for the test, reminds me of my teachers back then. bwahahahaa.

Oh, and i think high school chicks are damn cute. Graduate chicks are damn hot.

This makes me think. When i was a teen, i look at the girls my age, i'll feel an attraction to them. And that is ok. But 10 years later, when i look at those teens, and feel the attraction. I felt dirty. Somehow that doesn't seem right.

nightmare

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt that i was a victim of a girl's insidious revenge (or maybe just a prank) on guys. The revenge goes like this; she'd go to a guy claiming that he's the man she's been searching all this while, then she'd ask them to go into a dark room as a test of the guy's worthyness or something (with the guy not knowing what lies within the room). Then when the guy did went into the room (through sheer courage, desperation or maybe curiosity), snap! a camera takes his picture, and the picture gets published into the internet, humiliating him.

heh.

I actually woke up from the dream feeling horrified. The kind of horror that you'd feel after any dreams with ghosts and something spooky in it. Even my room seems eerie and spooky. That makes me wonder, the dream aren't that spooky or horrifying.

An interesting detail in the nightmare was that after my picture was taken (yeah, i did go into the room) i get to see the website with the picture of guys in it, and the guy that did went before i did, was jawa, my officemate.

In dila's blog entry, she did mention that a dream might signify a person's wants. So what is it that i might want? To be cheated and lied to? To be publicly humiliated? Or to get my penis cut off? (Forgot to tell you, but in the dream, the dark room was speculated to have a trap that cut off penises. Yeah, penises. Now i guess that'll bring to light on what kind of person that get published on her humiliation website. They're the ones that dare to put their penises at stake. Or maybe they're desperate enough)

balik kampung

During raya holidays, i felt as though i am trying to please my mom and dad. I'd do everything they wish. Volunteer to help them out a bit. I even did the dishes. Well, just one time, but thats something. I never did dishes other than my own. Have i grown old? Have i went pass my angsty phase?

I find that my relationship with my mom is getting better.Maybe she feels that she's lost her sons and daughter, with all of em married and with children.We even go to the point where she could poke my tummy. She stopped doing that after i went to college. Back when i was the family's blacksheep.

So i joked around with her a bit. She talked about how they (my parents) abandoned the idea of moving to merbuk when my dad retires. She says that they'll probably move to penang or even stay in kl. And of course talking about the future, my mom can't help but ask me wether i've got a girl or not. So i proceeded to say that i dont have any and i continued to poke fun at it by asking her to find me a girl. Well, she laughed it off. but she did say that if she were ever to do that, she'd probably find a candidate through her friends, probably their daughters. And she mention that one of her best friend (i know her as auntie rose) got a pretty daughter. I asked her then, 'how pretty?', she said 'prettier than your ex' (paraphrased here a bit). Right then i'm thinking, 'if she's prettier than my ex, she's got to be really pretty then. And then i asked her on why does she think her pretty. she said that auntie rose's daughther have sharp features. What does she means with that anyway?

In the end, my mom told me to find a girl myself. i guess she doesnt want to be caught up in my married life's problems and hardships. you know how sometimes a mathcmaker get blamed when a relationship go bad? I guess she does not want to be in that situation. Not that i'll blame her if anything ever happens, but it is better be safe than sorry. hmm, shows how much she believes in me... hmm.. ah, she a realist anyway.

and the point is... i don't think i have a point.

how bout; marriage through parent's choice could be a bliss?
or perhaps; i'm getting old.

Oh heck, i dont need a point. Though this blog, a point does matter.

not enough lips, too much eyes

on 18th to 23rd, i went back to penang to celebrate raya haji. I guess i've got too much time to waste back in penang.

heartbroken

if ever you are heartbroken, listen to these songs:

The Postal Service - nothing better
Muse - stockholm syndrome
Muse - time is running out
Coldplay - clocks
Blink 182 - all of this
Disagree - suicide note
Thursday - porcelain
Yellowcard - only one

control

In the future, we programmers will be obsolete. Programs will have an intelligence level so high, that humans need not to worry about telling it what to do. Well, maybe we might have to nudge it to the right direction, but i imagine the bulk of the process will be done by the program itself, autonomously.

The idea of intelligent programs worries me. What will i do when that time comes? I will be out of jobs. My company. No. Humanity will not need programmers anymore. I am doomed. My life will be destroyed (boo hoo dramatic). But, this is only one way of looking at the situation. Why do i fret about something that might happen in the distant future? If this is something achieveable, why not I be the one unleashing this paradigm in programming into the world? Why not I be the creator instead of the destoryed?

Destroy of be destroyed? there is a lot of times when i see myself trying to destroy something i've tried to create. Just to have control over it. Destroying something to feel in control is a trait of a weak man. But weaker still is a man unable to follow through with his destructive vision.

about power

asrol saks. This statement do not necessarily be true. But if i post the statement on my blog and enough people read it, it could be accepted as truth.

my head

I'm in the papers!
The one right beside emmet's picture.

we are simple people

It is hard for me to put my feelings and thoughts into words. Words are linear. Arranged in a serial structure. Where a word's meaning is determined by the words that comes before it and goes after it. A sentence's meaning is built by words and an idea can only be communicated if these words and sentences are read in the correct sequence.

Thoughts and feelings are totally chaotic. It do not have a definite begining and end to it. Putting it into words seems like trying to untangle a ball of yarn. Sometimes you have to snip it apart and arrange it as best as you can with the mutilated strands. And hope that your arrangments could at least make people understand what really goes on in your head.

I had a chat with a friend of mine from my Mara Junior Science College (MRSM) days. She's currently being stationed in prague by her company, accenture. That is enough for me, a mere mortal, to gasp the words 'ooo wow'. But thats not the matter. What really interest me now is that she leads a somewhat extreme life. While I am here in a life lead with prudence and caution.

She had her fill of sweetness and bitterness of life. Maybe she might not admit it. To me, i think she's felt both. As for me, i'm in a state of numbness. I've never ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
This blog entry had become obsolete during its writing. As what i've said before. Human mind is like a ball of yarn. We could snip at it and try to lay it open for others to look at and scrutinize. And during the snipping and cutting of the threads, new perspective could come into being.

Who am I to judge whether i've wasted my life, my youth? I may think that my life is a bore. But would it not be an insult to the people around me that have shared their life with me and thinks that the experiances that they had is a blessing?

unceremonious promotion

Went to a client's place this morning for a product presentation. The presentation was given by my boss, The Man (whew~! thank God). Its a relief since i'm no people person and public speaking always gives me cold feet.

The presentation itself went smoothly, though there are some bumps and potholes along the way. But I dont think the audience notices that. The presentation was done to inform the client's chief manager, which is a Datuk by rank (Datukship are similar to british Knighthood). So the audience consists of the higher management personnel and most of the people directly involved in the project itself.

Now, my boss, The Man, has this tendency of getting out of ugly situations by way of the silver tounge. The Man is also gifted in conjuring facts and figures that will assist him in getting his goals achived. He is somewhat of a charlatan. Well, enough about him. The world do not revolves around him right? WRONG! The world do revolves around him. We all live to please him. He is The Man. Well no, not really. He's ok. Though he lacks managerial skills. And also have a tendency to relegate damage control to his underlings. !!!!! .

Although i have somewhat of a negative perception of The Man, he managed to gain a little bit of respect in my book during the presentation. Its a wonder watching him weave his web of lies, well no, lies are too harsh. Weave his Virtual Reality. Now that is more fitting.

Among the things he said during the presentation was this; 'This is the project leader' while pointing to my general direction. Thus i thought, 'Wow! i'm the project leader'. I get to handle more responsibilities with no increase in salary! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!

the last mosh

Yesterday, my friend and I went to a small live show held at Hard Rock Cafe by a band called butterfingers. The band is among my favorites, if not for their songs, its for their perseverance to improve our local music scene. The show was to promote their fifth and latest album titled 'Selamat Tinggal Dunia'. Prior to this album, the band have been singing in english. The band's last two album was a bit mellow for my liking, but i do respect the direction they are taking nonetheless.

The show kicks off with emmet (the vocals) singing an acoustic version of chrome. The song lyrics includes a chorus with the lines 'i guess i wasn't needed here'. Somehow i felt as though emmet was talking about the future of buttefingers. Or more about him and butterfingers.

When the whole band have asambled on stage and emmet finished singing the solo, the band goes into the songs from their new albums. Most of them are mellow songs, except for retroish 'Merpati Sejoli' and traditional fusion 'Tentang - tentang'. The crowd seemed quite happy with the song line up, moving and nodding in tune with the slow songs, while singging along with it. I was busy checking out the crowd at this time (the chicks mostly).

Then all hell breaks loose. They played their classics. The crowd went wild. People start to body surf. Shoelaces get untied. Cameras lose their batteries. Watches can't stay on. Chicks flee for cover. I lost it. Push. Shove. Jump. Head bang. Kick. Be kicked.

Two songs after that, I lost my breath and I'm begining to feel dizzy. So i moved out of the mosh pit, but i still can't catch my breath. I went to a less crowded area, but i'm getting sicker. I went to the toilet, thats when i lost my lunch and breakfast. I puked into toilet bowl (thank God) and felt like a drunk. It felt good after that. For a while at least. I didn't feel ok until we're out of hard rock and are walking back to KLCC. Drinking 100 plus seems to help me recover.

Moshing to butter's old songs reminds me of the old days. It felt good. I felt young and reckless again. Getting sick after only two songs, reminds me that I'm old. And reckless. Maybe its time to move on?

the long road to success

note to self:

• please remember that the road to success is not easy.
• practice, and it will all come to you naturally.
• enjoy.

sounds

epiphany. epiphany. epiphany. i think i'll name one of my child effi hani.

epiphany

i had an epiphany. my epiphany revolves around identity or individuality in fashion. a friend of my wrote something about this a couple of weeks ago. go here to read it. well its not actually about fashion. its more a general issue on identity and individuality. in his writing, he said something about how people wants to be like everyone else and that if they do want to be like everyone else, that doesn't mean that they are not themselves, they are themselves. the very act of wanting to be like everyone else is in essence came from their own self. ok. if you understand that just now, youre either very intelligent or totally nuts. i don't know for sure, but what i am sure is that intelligent or not, you are still who you are.
now, i have this military jacket that i bought at our local flea market, chow kit. i think the jacket would look nice if coupled with a nice military communist-like hat. you know, the kind that castro wears all the time. that flat top cap in olive green. the thing about this is that somehow, miraculously, i find out that lately, that sort hat seems to become increasingly common these days. and i found that whenever i saw somebody wears that hat. i'd check them out. now, all this while, i always thought checking out other people's fashion choices to be somewhat lame, since you seemed as if trying to be like them. but today i realized that, we do not necessarily check out other people so that we could be like them. we sometimes check out other people, so that we could look at stuff that we already wanted to have in the first place. like that olive green castro hat. so thats was my epiphany. sorry if my epiphany is not going to help save the dolphins, reduce world hunger, end wars, free kevin mitnick, solve the da'vinci code, break the pGp, tell the future, make your love life amazing, cure cancer, contribute to protein folding experiment, discover the theory of everything or even feed your cat. but it does give us some ideas on why we checkout other people.

uncertain

I'm working in a company with an uncertain future. We lack in management finesse. We do not implement standard industry practices when managing a project. We are slow to pick up new technologies. And we are lazy bums.. haha. Well not really, i think we lack motivation (that might be my ego talking or me in denial). But the thing is, our future is uncertain.
The company is now in the state of change. A lot of people are leaving the company, and we are hiring new staffs to fill in the vacancies. Old investors are leaving the company (or to put it more accurately, they are being asked to leave the company alone) and new investors are promising the company bigger fundings and more support for the company's growth. But promises are promises, they're just words that means nothing unless those words are kept. Hence the uncertainty of the company future.
But thats not the whole factors that will determine the company's well being. ok yada yada yada.. i'm getting boring writing this up. fnck! who'd want to read about my company's health anyway. So my main point was this; The company's future is uncertain, we are demotivated. We can't work with the knowledge that our efforts will be for nothing. Yes, we are paid for our efforts but we need the satisfaction of knowing that we are building something. That there is a good ending to our little story.
This rings true for anything we do. Whatever we do in our life, we want it to contribute to a greater cause. Without that goal, we'd feel truly demotivated, depressed and weak.

something serious

I wish i could write something really serious that could change the way people view the universe or reality itself. When i browse the multitude of blogs, online articles and such, i found myself to be lacking in knowledge, opinions and witticsm. Am i retarded?
When you are mentally challenged, will you know that you are mentally challenged? if you don't, then you might really be mentally unsound. This reality that you perceive now, could maybe be a figment of your own imagination. You could very well be locked up in a nut house somewhere in tanjung rambutan, staring up at the small window hole, high up in the padded room, without actually being aware that you are there, doing that.
How can i know that i am sane? am i sane? what use of these questions when the answers that will come of it are just make-belief that is conjured by my own mind? If i am really insane, how can i break free of it? help me. Will anybody even hear my call for help? I am alone here, am I?

yooohoooo?

anybody there?

meow?

i am a cat. i am a cute cat. i like to play with my balls. after i play with my balls, i get tired. i will go to sleep. meow. i am a cat. i am a cute cat. i like to hide. when i hide, i miss my balls.

its the new year~!

Yeay its the new year! We now usher in the new year. Ok, so the next time i'm going to write the date, it'll be 2005 instead of 2004. And, what else... lemme think. hmmm... cant seem to think of anything else though. Yeay!