Monday, April 25, 2005


A couple of weeks back, I went to a job interview in Jalan Tun Razak. Its with a small start-up company fully owned by Sepakat. The interview was done by the COO of Sepakat. The interview went well, I was satisfied with the answers I gave and the interviewer seems quite ok with it.

The job offered was a position as software engineer with a renewable one year contract. Now, I would prefer a permanent instead of contract position, because the whole point of me seeking a new job is to be in a company much more secure than my current one. But, since i am currently seeking jobs in full gear, i wouldn't mind a contract stint.

A friend of mine always says that security is an illusion. All this while, I saw that phrase in terms of electronic security. This was probably due to the fact that my friend there is a hacker and whenever he quote that word, I see it in his point of view.

After the interview, I had a new view on security. Like my friend said, it is an illusion. It seems quite true. Take my current job for example. I'm working in a permanent position, yet in less than a year, i am already seeking position. The company is just not stable enough. I might as well have taken a contract position. Hence, contract position don't seem that insecure as before. That feeling of security when you are in a permanent position is indeed an illusion. If ever you did not perform in while in your permanent position, you'll feel some sort of repercussion, pretty much like if you are in a contract position. It is more or less the same.

This illusion extends to everything we do. Be it walking in the park, sitting by the roadside, patting a dog, anything. You feel that you are safe, yet the park might have sink holes, cars might swerve and hit you and the dog might go feral and bite you on the arse.

We can't really do anything about it. But that doesn't mean that you should leave your door unlocked at night or don't give a damn about how secure your job position is. It just means that the best thing you could do is to reduce the risk of things you do, and you have to also know that everything is not permanent. If you happen to lose anything, bear in mind that it was not fully yours in the first place.

At the end of the day, you will have to realize that everything lies in the hand of Allah s.w.t. Pray to Allah s.w.t. For it is with Him that you will find the ultimate security.

I lie to myself, but today, i speak the truth.

Sunday, April 17, 2005


I had dream just now, when I was power napping.

I dreamt that my family held a solat jemaah in our old kampung home in kepala batas. It seemed to be a typical solat until when the imam called for the jemaah to move up in the ranks and fill the front ranks.

I found myself standing behind my aunties and female cousins. Where my uncles and male cousins share the same ranks as the aunties.

I woke up in dread.

It was the dread for loss of familiar things. The dread for change.


Saturday, April 16, 2005

Its April 16th, or was it April 15th?

The day I had difficulties putting thoughts into words and also the day simple things were made complicated.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

office center piece

Well here's the new office PA.
The picture width is too large for the blog.
Yeah, I'm too lazy to resize this one.
So enjoy the rotated view.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005


I read somewhere about this rat maze experiment, where two rats are put into a maze without a way out, food and water. I don't know what is the name of that experiment or what is its objective. Tell me if any of you knows what is the name of the experiment.

Anyway, the experiment goes that the rats will seek its way out of the maze. Realizing that there is no way out, the rats become aggressive to each other and eventually, when thirst and hunger strikes, they will become cannibalistic. Killing the other rat for food.

Somehow, the experiment seems eerily similar to my present company. The company is going down, the pay is late and getting later. Everybody is trying to get out but only some managed to leave. What is left in here are the rats. The ones that starts to get aggressive to each other. But of course, we do not become cannibalistic. Or did we?

There is one sin in Islam that goes like this (i am heavily paraphrasing here so correct me if i am wrong); 'You should not talk(of bad things) behind another's back for its sins is comparable to eating his own dead flesh'

now, are we cannibals?

Thursday, April 07, 2005

fourth level of maslow's hierarchy of need

I was sifting through my pile of certificates and old documents when I came across my junior high records. It was a single card board sleeve looking thinggy. Blue in color, with my 13 year old mug shot plastered on its upper front corner.

Among the details included within the record is a column about my ambition. It seems that my 13,14 and 15 year old self put up 'ahli sains' (scientist), 'ahli komputer' (computer science dude, i think) and lastly 'pegawai bank' (bank officer. yes, i lack ambition).

The part where i put up compuer science dude as my second career choice amazes me. A computer scientist. I am a software engineer now. So in a way, I am a computer scientist. Maybe I deal in more on computer application rather than the science of it all, but the bottom line is, I deal with the computer technology. That means, I have achieved my ambition. My 13,14 and 15 year old self's ambition.

That thought struck me as amazing! All these years, I always see myself as being last in line, the dregs of the crop. Now, knowing the fact that i achieved my 13,14 and 15 year old self's ambition, i feel elated. I feel complete. I feel as though I have finally ended something that I've begun. This feeling is far more profound than when I got my scroll from Dr. M.

Well, yeah of course I get to fulfill only my 2nd ambition, not the 1st. Maybe I'll write a white paper on 3D graphics, AI or something to fulfill my 1st ambition.

Hmm.. maybe I could get a job as a bank's system engineer or something.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

he did it first!

did not!

did too!

did not!

did too!

did not!


It is ok, if somebody fncks you and in retaliation, you fnck that person back. But it is not ok if you fnck him back even more than the fnck that he fncks. That is so fncking unfair. It totally creates a chain of hatred and fncking. A miasma indeed. I so totally diss that. fnck! ok fuck! Its not like there's any under 18 reader here. If there are, who gives a fuck? fuck!

Ok, so you all might wonder why the fuck i'm ranting about this stupid fucking shit. I'll fucking tell you now. There this incident i experienced during my college days. This dude. He's an ass. He totally is. Totally. Don't believe me? Go away then! Shooooo~ Git! Git! Shooooooo~ Git!

Ok about that ass dude, he is my senior back in my high school days. Ahhhh... seniority... I always have problems with seniority. To me, respect is owned. We work to get people to respect us. I don't believe that if you are born a couple of month earlier, or admits into a school (or whatever organisation) earlier, it automatically gives you the respect of your subordinates. No way! It has to be earned. There must be proof! You can say that you are Great Worthy Dude, but are your actions a proof of your claims? The very act of self-proclaiming yourself to be the Great Worthy Dude is the proof that you are not that great. Sheeeesh Kebab! Some people have got their brain living beside their genitalia. They're practically neighbours. Swapping shit and semen in neighbourly spirit. Fuck them!

Ahh... where was I?

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

baru aku perasan

baru aku perasan yang harini aku takde progress sbb aku terlupa bukak current project nyer Visual Studio workspace.

Friday, April 01, 2005


pydd: pssst
me myself: hi peed
me myself: nak gi solat la
me myself: la'er sight
pydd: okay
pydd's status is now "Available". (01/04/2005 1:31 PM)
me myself: i'm back
pydd: hi back
me myself: and you are?
pydd: i'm sleepy
pydd: hehe
me myself: nice to meet you sleepy